It was a sunny day outside with the occasional cloud throwing a shadow over the city. She was getting ready to go to her friends birthday. This time around everything was different. The birthday party would be held in a park, with everyone sitting on their respective blanket at least 2 m apart from each other. No hugs, no shaking hands, no singing. Nevertheless, it was a nice distraction from her daily routine of working from home and overthinking.
He was about to make his last ride. He had worked all night driving folks around London. In between, he had managed to squeeze in a few hours of sleep and a break for coffee. These night shifts were really wearing him down, but he didn’t have a choice. He thought about his family when his last booking for the day came in. A ride from the east of London all the way to St. James’s Park. He turned the car around and made his way to the East.
The last few days she’d been crying a lot. She didn’t quite know why exactly, but the whole isolating thing just wasn’t for her. And then her boyfriend ignoring her didn’t help either. Most of the time she told herself, that he was probably fighting with his very own mental health. But sometimes — and she blames her notorious ex-partners for these thoughts — she assumes the worst. Could this just be a game for him? Knowing how much she had been hurt before, maybe he enjoyed adding up to that. But today she didn’t want to think of that. It was a birthday after all. She had put on some make-up and masked up before ordering her ride. Standing in front of the Girls’ school of her neighbourhood she waited for her driver.
It was always interesting to see who would be his next guest. Of course, they had names in the app, but no pictures so you never really knew until you picked them up. He quite enjoyed that part of the job. He drove around all kinds of people from students over single-mums to CEOs. This time it was a young lady, head to toe in black with a black-and-white patterned jacket. The only colourful thing was her eyeshadow.
She got into the car and thought to herself, that’s nice. A Mercedes again. Not that she’d be too much into cars, but they are nice. She said “Hi” and told him the code. After he had entered it on his phone, they drove off.
She, just like him, was wearing a mask, but he suspected that she was smiling from the way her eyes looked. She seemed to be a and friendly girl.
He asked her “So, where are you going to on this nice day?”
She: “ I’m going to a Birthday party in the park. A friend of mine is celebrating with drinks and food in the park. You know, it’s all outside these days. “
He:” That’s true. We’re living in weird times. “
After a few words about the weather and how they both hoped it wouldn’t rain, the conversation got to a point where they talked about where they came from.
He:” I am from Pakistan, but I came here to London more than 20 years ago. Since then, my parents are always asking me to come back and I want to. But at the same time…my family is here. My wife and my kids need me as well. It’s hard especially now. Now, I am worried about my parents every day. They are older and the infrastructure, it’s not like here.”
She:” Yes, I understand. I imagine that is very difficult. We’re all worried about our loved ones these days.” (In the back of her head she thought about her grandparents back in Japan that were also not the youngest and the initial handling of the crisis in Japan hadn’t instilled any confidence in her.)
He:” So, where are you from? You don’t seem British.”
She:” That’s right. I am originally from Germany and just moved to London last year. It feels like half of the time has been lockdown by now. “
They chatted a bit about Germany and the places he had been to. Somehow the topic returned to the family.
She:” So how many children do you have?”
He:” I have 3 kids. 2 Boys and one Girl. They are 18, 21 and 23.”
He thought the girl could be a similar age as his daughter. It made him sad that he could talk to all these people who enter his car so easily, but his daughter wouldn’t get to experience that.
He:” All the kids are still living at home. “
She: “That’s great. It’s nice to have family around especially these days. So they also don’t have aspirations to move out?”
He:” No. Not at all. I reckon free rent is a good argument to stay.”
She:” Very true. Here in London.”
He:” I wouldn’t want them to move out you know. I would be worried dead about my girl.”
She mumbled something that sounded like approval under her mask. She thought to herself that must be a fathers thing. Of course, they worry when the only girl leaves the house. No wonder, there are a lot of guys that break our hearts. Man — she told herself, she didn’t want to think about that now. So not fair. Bet they (guys) don’t spend any time thinking about us like that — she consternated. Before she could get lost in her thoughts any more, he continued talking.
He:” To be honest, it makes me sad.”
She:” What do you mean?”
He:” That I can talk to you like that. But I can’t with my only daughter.”
She still wasn’t really sure what he meant. She knew from her father that sometimes fathers don’t speak the same language as their daughters. If they talk much at all.
He:” She can’t hear. Since she was born.”
She now realizes what he meant and feels stupid for thinking it might just be a teenager — dad communication issue. She doesn’t know what to say so she just stays silent for a moment, contemplating what an appropriate reaction could be.
He breaks the silence:” Sometimes I ask myself what I did wrong in my life that God did this to me. I’ve never hurt a soul, I’ve always tried to do the best I can. I don’t understand it. What God does this? Is this a test?”
Now she feels really sad. And dumb and ashamed. She doesn’t know what to say. Is there anything she could say? Something like “God’s ways are unfathomable” is pathetic. So is the -everything happens for a reason phrase. Besides, she would like to believe that everything happens for a reason but in practice, it just seems hard to uphold that theory in that very moment.
He can sense that he might have said too much. She has gone silent. He feels a bit sorry for having said that. It’s just especially when he drives young girls it reminds him so much of his daughter and how things could be. He knows that she can still communicate. But only with people who can use sign language. How many are that? How will she get through life? These questions keep him up at night. He is tired.
She finally breaks the silence and said “I am very sorry. I have no idea how that must be and I don’t really understand God. The only thing I am sure about is that she needs you and that she knows that you’re there for her.”
He is glad that she had said something. He feels a little less bad now. She is right. He doesn’t understand God either. He hopes that she is right and that his daughter really knows how much he cares. Recently, he hasn’t been home much. He has been working a lot, trying to keep them afloat.
She sighs into her mask. Now that was not what she had expected from this ride. It had made her aware that her problems were really just small. Ridiculous. She felt stupid and ashamed, also for not having any better words to say. She would like to say something to console him. She can literally hear the pain in his voice. In her head, she swears at the God who makes these things happen and questions the “there is something bigger out there” theory.
He:” Thank you. I really hope so.”
After a few minutes of silence, he says:” We live in a very nice place in the South of London. You should visit someday.”
She:” Yes, I would love that.”
They both know that this will never happen. But it’s a friendly lie to end this ride. She gets off the car and wishes him a nice day. He wishes her a nice birthday party.
She walks off towards the park. Around her, all these people chatting enthusiastically, laughing and drinking. She tries to shake off the feeling of guilt. She knows it not her fault. Yet she feels bad for reminding her driver of what his daughter can’t do. She also realizes that she never really thought about it. How it must be to not be able to hear. To not be able to strike up a conversation with just anyone. She shrugs. There she sees her friends under a set of trees. For now, she focuses on the birthday.
But this conversation will accompany her for a long time to come. Maybe forever. Whenever she feels like she is drowning in her thoughts, it comes up again.
Sometimes she hopes that she’ll meet him again. Whenever she books a ride she somehow hopes it is him. She prays to this incomprehensible God that his daughter will become a strong woman that knows her family will always have her back and that this all has some kind of sense.
